Fatherhood is a funny thing. It's the most amazing promotion a man could receive, yet is full of all the same things we feel in our careers. It involves effort and stress, spontaneous laughter and memories, and the various feelings we get at the beginning and the end of a work day or week. I am using a job as a comparison, but I don't feel like fatherhood should be a job. It's way too much fun, and the bonuses pay much more than financial dividends.
Our daughter is fourteen, and it's a little shocking to say that out loud. The past 14 years have absolutely flown by, and everyone said it would. It's funny how we hear this from other parents and we tell ourselves that we will make sure and live out every minute. Yet, 14 years pass by and I am left wondering if I did everything I could to maximize our relationship, her potential, and her preparedness for what life with throw at her for the next (hopefully) 80+ years.
Just like with our careers, we become an evolving version of a blend of the various influences in our life. I can actually point to my own character traits and tell you where most of them came from. In many ways, I am a mold of my father, but also have pieces of my mom, old friends, and even a few leaders that I was fortunate enough to work under. My wife has absolutely had a positive effect on my life, and I would say that she makes me a more fun and relaxed person.
There are also the functions we are a part of that help prepare us for the next phase of life, whatever that might be. Participating in athletics as a kid helped me develop quite a bit, and I can absolutely state that this has been the case for our daughter. It's important to learn the ups and downs of teamwork and individual effort. Adversity is a great thing, and so are achievements. As I was telling someone the other day, I have failed countless more times that I have succeeded, and that's life! Sometimes it's good to get hit in the mouth a little (metaphorically, of course), so you learn how to duck the next time a right hook comes your way.
Our daughter competes on three teams with her All Star cheer gym, and also is a part of the varsity game day cheer program with her school. I'm preaching to the choir here, but it's amazing how different these two cheer worlds are. She's been competing since she was about 5, but just joined the school program this year, as our school only has high school cheer. It was fun to watch her nerves and anxiety as she worked through the cheer tryout process at her school. Even today, her confidence is so much greater with All Star cheer than with game day, but she is also falling more and more in love with the game day side of cheer.
Competitive cheer is fast paced and involves a series of continuous and connected movements that (usually) ends with an even faster dance routine. It's two and a half minutes of grit, fire and energy. I'm even sweating by the end of it! These athletes train for 6+ months and compete for a mere fraction of that. It requires a lot of physical and mental conditioning, and I love that about it. This world teaches awareness, discipline, and team accountability.
If All Star is a sprint, game day is a marathon. For the duration of the game, these athletes are the only constant. They are there before the event, are working during the game, are generally a part of the intermission activities, and are there after the game to continue to support and motivate the athletes and crowd. This "first in-last out" mentality is a great cornerstone to build from, and will likely carry over into their professional careers. While most of game day cheer is not judged, there are plenty of aspects to it that I like. With hundreds, or even thousands of people watching their every move, the athletes learn self awareness and positivity in the face of adversity.
All of this to say, here I am, a middle-aged father and husband, with a daughter that is growing up much too fast. I'm afraid that the next blink will bring graduation, and the one after - college. Life moves fast and I want to make a stab at staying one step ahead of it. I didn't say that I would, but it's worth trying.
Preparing to launch is not only about ensuring that our “mini-me's” are ready for the world. It's also about ensuring that we are ready for them to enter this next phase as well. And while I don't have all the answers, I do have clarity around the importance of incorporating various principals into daily life. These principles include the development of life skills, emotional intelligence, a growth mindset, values, and leadership.
We all have a skill or a set of skills. These skills start off raw, and unrefined. For many people, these raw skills never develop into much more, and thus, the value is much less. Refined skills are what professional athletes and musicians, and senior administrators and entrepreneurs have. These people have taken their ability and developed them to a point that they add value to someone else's life. Similarly, all kids have life skills, and some add value to their household through their refinement. On a very basic level, I am speaking of things like their ability to feed themself, do their own laundry, retain a sanitary environment, have (and use) manners, and leave a place better than they found it. But I would also expand that thought, and ensure there is some level of knowledge and ability around how things work and function, direction, finance, and much more. This list could on and on, but you get the point. Think of all the things that you wish you had a better grasp on, and learn them together.
Emotional intelligence is our ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions. This includes our own emotions, and also the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence is something I rely on every single day, as it helps me make so many decisions. I tend to align with the philosophy of trusting no one until that trust has been fully earned, and emotional intelligence is what has taught me that. It's super helpful to better understand someone else's behaviors and intentions, and it's also important to recognize your own and what you are putting out there for the world to see. Emotional intelligence will help our kids build strong relationships, help them navigate various social complexities, and also help them become better leaders.
We are only as strong as our mindset, and the same goes for our kids. A growth mindset is a belief that the most fundamental aspect of positive development is earned through hard work and dedication. If you can believe it and visualize it, you can make it a reality. Challenges and adversity are not negative obstacles. In fact, they are opportunities. Opportunities to grow, develop, and learn. As our Navy Seals would say, "Embrace the Suck". It's important to embrace failure as a necessity for success. Kids with a growth mindset have a much better chance of perseverance and life-long success.
We all have values, and these values are what we inherently use to guide our behavior and decision-making. Our values are a set of tools that we access in relative situations. If we have strong values, our tool kit becomes much more useful. If I had to list the values that I feel are most important, it would include (in no particular order) integrity, honesty, kindness, respect, diligence, and resilience. Stay true to yourself when no one is watching. Speak the truth regardless of the outcome. Be kind, period. Respect others beyond what how you would want to be respected. Work hard, and don't give up. Never let anything keep you down. As important as these values are, it's equally important to know how to apply them. Used appropriately, our kids will be able to navigate this complex world with a sturdy compass, and even contribute favorably to society.
Leadership is a value that I prayed for our daughter to strongly possess. Leadership is not about being in charge, which is important for our kids to understand. I have worked at pretty much every level of leadership, and the "higher" I was, the more people I felt like I worked for. Leadership is about inspiring and leaving a positive impact on others. Leadership requires communication, collaboration, and strong decision-making. There are plenty of opportunities for kids to get involved in leadership roles in school, sports, and other community events. These skills will help to ensure that our kids are making the right decisions at the right time.
The one thing I do not want to do, is send our daughter into the world unprepared. The lack of adversity and failure can fuel this unpreparedness. However, a lack of love and encouragement can do even more harm. It's all about finding that middle ground. We have to let our kids fall, and also be there to make sure it doesn't set them back too far. If done appropriately, we will discover that they will need us less than the time before. As much as that hurts to say, it's how it should be. We are raising small adults that we hope will make amazing contributions to society.
