Fatherhood comes at you fast. And before you know it, your TV time is spent watching adults parade around in colorful costumes while making word salads about the letter “M”. Your music accounts are covered up with soundtracks from Disney movies, and everything in your car is sticky. Why is everything so sticky?! All this starts before your kids' fifth birthday. It makes you wonder what the next 13 years will be like.
At this same time, many fathers are at a stage in their life where marriages are still relatively new, jobs are more intense, finances are tighter, and overall stress is at an all time high. Life can seem a little unbearable, but it’s not. We’ve pretty much all been there, it’s just that most of us never verbalize our struggles. We’re men, and that’s just what we do.
While we’re talking about how we internalize our issues and let them fester into something much more than they should be…let’s not do that. I get that you don’t want to burden those around you with your life, but chances are, those same people can relate with what you’re going through. My wife is my absolute best friend and opening up to her always ends up being a good thing. If not a wife, make sure you have some good guys that you can unwind and share things with.
As young men establishing our identity, we are on a strategic path and focused on achieving various goals that will (hopefully) set us up for success that our families will benefit from. This is our mindset, and it can be difficult to pull ourselves out of this narrow minded, end-game mentality. Unfortunately, this path can direct us where it would be easy to let ourselves fall into a rut of negativity, and we never even realize it. Try not to misunderstand what I am saying here. Goals and aspirations are a good thing. Letting them interrupt our ability to live, is completely different.
At some level, we all struggle with this phase of life, and at the same time we likely have external influences distracting our focus. Old high school buddies are making more money and some may have found a level of fame. Others are still single and living a life that appears to be care free and thus, stress free. The problem is that comparing yourself to others is a one way ticket to depression. And the vast majority of what we see from the outside, does not tell the complete story.
I went through this myself, and by all accounts, I’ve had a very successful life and career. It’s that whole “the grass is also greener…” thing. I’ve had friends enter the NFL, some working in Hollywood, one that was in “black ops”, and others on presidential legal teams. I never really envied their life or wanted anything they had. Though it did sometimes make me wonder if I had done enough. Maybe I have not reached my potential, and maybe I’ve sold myself a little short. I can feel my wife rolling her eyes right now, but the feelings were still there.
Those feelings led to a solid 10 years of intense dedication to my vocation. I did a lot of great things for a lot of people, and was successful at making my shareholders and stakeholders a fair amount of money while doing so. Sounds great, right? The problem is that it was dominating my life, and even through the success, all I could see was my failures. I had absolutely zero balance. This was affecting me in a negative way, and I never even knew it was happening. Looking back, it’s easy to identify the problems, such as the recurring cardiology appointments, incapacity to relax, and the terrible mood that I seemed to always be in. At work, I was in a great mood, as this is where I injected all of my energy. At home…not so much. The primary recipient of all of my faults was my family. The irony here is that without them (and my faith), I would have been a complete and total wreck.
The good news is that I was able to pull myself out of that recurring hole. It took an inflection point with my career, which resulted in a fairly dynamic professional shift. Before diving into the next chapter of the life of Cody, I took three months to engage in some serious professional inactivity, focusing on personal and family time. I was fortunate that I was able to utilize this time, so I did not take that for granted. I’ll come back to this period in a bit.
I’ve spoken at many events and to many people about the power of an open door. I first heard about “open doors” in 2011 from my greatest mentor, and it has stuck with me ever since. I’ve also been able to add my experiences to the story. Life opens doors all the time, and these are moments where God places opportunities in front of us. The power is in our ability to make a choice. We can notice that the door is open and keep walking right past it. We can also make the choice to enter that door and see what happens on the other side. Most of my life, I have charged head first, almost skipping through the door. My curiosity and spontaneity has always been a powerful driver behind my actions. Has it worked out favorably every time? Absolutely not. Though in the grand scheme of things, it has always changed my life for the better.
Open doors are intriguing, but each should have a sign stating, “Proceed with Caution”. Your takeaway about open doors shouldn’t be to quit your current job and start giving diving instructions in Turks and Caicos. I mean, if that’s your plan, then go for it. Though a decision like that would likely warrant a longer discussion with the others living in your house. The takeaway is that life puts a lot of opportunity in front of us. We just have to keep our eyes open to these possibilities and leverage our gut when deciding to take those next steps.
Coming back to my 3 month hiatus…
When I left my last career, my open door led to an empty room. In this case, empty was good. This emptiness meant seemingly endless opportunities. It gave me the freedom and energy to clear my perceptions about “success” and what was expected of me as a man, a husband, and a father.
I was able to find myself. I am compelled to write that I found myself again, but I don’t think I took the time to do that when I was younger, which might have been part of the problem. We’ll save that discussion for the professionals. I found out more about who I am, what I like, and most importantly, what motivates me. I also learned more about my purpose, and what means the most in this short window of time we call physical life.
This reset of my life literally redefined the way I look at life in general. As I mentioned, my purpose and priorities were two of the greatest outcomes. If you are also falling into a path to becoming a grumpy middle-aged man like I was, let’s redirect some focus. That focus is on family. This seemingly simple ideology is what put me back on the most appropriate path.
I came to a realization that literally made me sit down for a bit. So, fair warning, I’m going to get a little deep here. We all know that life is short, but I’m not sure we ever fully grasp what that means, and most of us fail to take advantage of this bit of knowledge. Every single person I have spoken with in their later years, has said the one thing they would do differently, is to utilize their time better. I realize that I am not Elon Musk, and the chances of me making a societal difference on that level is pretty much zero. Since my impact on the greater good of man is so minimal, my legacy is also very different. Our daughter will remember me, and hopefully those memories will be accompanied by laughter and smiles, and a feeling of warmth in her heart. If I am lucky, I will get to meet my future grandkid(s) and they will have similar thoughts of our shared time together. If I am even more fortunate, I will get to meet my great-grandkid(s), but our time would be less frequent and of a much shorter duration. Once I am physically gone, these great grandkid(s) may speak of me in memory or when doing a school project. Beyond that generation, my name may never be spoken of again and my memory will be long gone. We are talking about a time period of only about 50-55 years from now, which is an absolute blip in the radar. I’ll give you a minute to take all that in.
Understanding this view took a ton of pressure off my life, and completely flipped my priorities. My immediate family is absolutely the most important thing in my life, and they are who I want to spend the vast majority of my life with. I started working to live with them. I am working to be an example of what life should be about, and I am enjoying each moment of our life together. At the end of it all, they are what matters most. I do not want to be defined by my job or career, or how much money I can make. I want to be defined by my faith, and a legacy of a life well-lived and one that loved those around me.
By the way, I am not claiming to have it all figured out or even close to it. I was just able to shift my thought processes and daily activities to align more with what I want out of life. Also, it took me a bit to get up the courage to be this open in a blog post. My only hope is, if you have not come to a similar conclusion about life, maybe this will trigger something positive to at least one of you. You may be asking what changes I made in my life. There were plenty, but not all were at the surface where the rest of the world had full visibility. Many of the life adjustments I made were with my perspectives.
One of the most difficult aspects of being a father is patience. There’s a lot going in at any given moment, and we somehow want everyone to be on our time. This is what generally causes our patience to wear a little thin. When our kids are little, this is probably even more of an issue, as we can’t really have a rational conversation with a 12 month old. What we should do is take a pause. Instead of yelling and becoming frustrated, take a moment and pick up your child and talk with them. If they are older, picking them up may not be ideal but taking a few minutes to talk with them is still key. There is a reason they want your attention, and we should figure out what that reason is. It may also be a moment for a lesson in respect and timing, and that lesson is better received in a calm environment. Punishing your kids when appropriate is an important part of the parenting process, and if done correctly, creates a bonding opportunity. General life stress causes us to lash out more easily, and that is not your family’s fault. At some point you will yell again, and don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re human, and so is your kid and they will still love you.
I’ve also never been one to throw a remote control or punch a hole in a wall. My road rage has always been more verbal, and not to the point of scaring others in the car. So “losing it” rarely happens. I’m a long fuse with a big bang if I ever go off. I think I recognized early that I was not a fan of confrontation and it was easier to prevent it this way. I prefer to save my confrontation for times when I feel it’s really worth it.
I can be a bit of a perfectionist, at least “perfection” by my standards. I do not like dirty dishes sitting in a sink, or clean clothes sitting in the dryer. I also like things situated and organized in a certain way. It’s been important for me to let some things go, and quote the famous Frank Sinatra, “That’s Life”. The truth is, all of this perfection is temporary. Nothing stays that way forever, or even too long at all. A messy kitchen is something that really irks me, and a bunch of teen girls trying to make a dessert could be my antagonist. A few years ago, this would stress me, but I’m now able to just accept what it is. One day I will wish there were little girls cooking in that kitchen.
Many good things come in trios. The Three Amigos, the wise men, hat tricks, the holy trinity, rock/paper/scissors…the list could go on forever. For me, diet, exercise, and sleep provide a foundation for how I tackle life and everything it can throw at you.
My diet has always been good, though I struggled like many others when it came to keeping it balanced and effective. My diet became somewhat of an obsession and it affected family time that should have been relaxed and enjoyable. I now like to live by a rule of 80. This is where I eat healthy about 80% of the time, and reserve the other 20% for whatever sounds good at the moment. This might be ice cream or pizza, or maybe a bag full of honey roasted cashews. I also limit my fried food intake, try to restrict things like seed oils and other inflammatory foods, and follow a range for calories and protein. For me, this is super simple to follow and allows me to stay in a state where I feel good and can perform all the lifting and agility skills that I like. If your diet is struggling, this should be an area to target that will favorably affect everything else in your life. Eating healthier is also a positive thing for your kid(s) to see and experience, and will help set them on the right nutritional path.
Your diet will make the biggest difference in how you look and feel, and exercise comes in at a close second for me. There was a point in my life where I competed in bodybuilding, so fitness was a way of life. This meant multiple trips to the gym each day, strict schedules for weights and cardio, and bringing my own food when we would dine out. Looking back, it sounds much crazier than it did then. Years later, I fell into a phase where I was trying to be as good as I once was. This led to a few injuries that could have been prevented if I would have left my ego outside the gym. I’ve now settled into a routine that fits my lifestyle and schedule, instead of my schedule fitting my workout regimen. I still like resistance training and the sound of two, 45-lb plates clanging together is harmonious. However, I also see the importance of flexibility, joint training, agility and footwork, etc. Working out is probably the single best way for me to reduce my stress every day. It’s not just about body fat and looking good for my wife (I married up). It’s about looking after your mind and keeping your mental health in check. I can’t recommend enough for you to find something you like to do, and do it often. This could be long walks, runs, weights, Pilates, frisbee golf, etc. Our daughter has found some love with resistance training as well, and it makes me so happy to see her engaging in something at an early age. It’s so important for their mental and physical development to stay active, and bonding through physical fitness is super special. People always talk about the fountain of youth, and this is it.
Regarding this trio, sleep is something that I took for granted for way too long. I took the “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” approach, and brother, I was missing out. The majority of my adult life was spent staying up late and waking up early; generally 4:30AM. Something had to give, my health was suffering, and my attitude was reflecting it. I operate best on about 7 hours per night, and if I don’t get that, my body tells me the entire next day. It’s easy to neglect our sleep needs and forget just how important sleep is. You are literally recharging your body and mind, and without it, you become a shell of what you could be. If you are reading this, it is highly likely that you have a child athlete in your house. Lead by example and show them how important this part of life is at an early age, and hopefully they will keep their sleep habits throughout life.
One of my favorite hobbies is music. I played drums when I was a kid and into my 30’s, and was a member of a couple of bands during that time. My love for music is as strong as ever, and I never pass on a chance to have something playing in the background. I love the anticipation of a new album, and the memories that come alongside a song from the 80’s or 90’s. I was raised listening to (primarily) 60’s rock, as that was the generation of my father and what was generally playing in the car. I still love The Beach Boys, Ray Charles, Jefferson Airplane, and Cream. But I also love 80’s rock, 90’s hip hop, 2000’s Texas country, and modern mash-ups. Pretty much anything but Yanni. Sorry Yanni, but I just can't do it. Music is rhythm, textures, beats, harmony, and fluid movements of intermingled sounds and lyrics. Music is good for the soul, and can make many bad days turn gold or platinum. It’s also good for families and tying together moments in time with an ageless melody.
Giving up control is something I had to learn during my great reset. My dad was good at teaching lessons, and he taught us that we can’t control everything. We also shouldn’t even try. Sometimes, you just have to let things go. Let go, and let God. I am naturally a people pleaser, both in business and in my personal life. I do not like letting people down and want to ensure that everyone is taken care of and having a good time. The problem is that this is just not sustainable.
What I’ve learned is that the farther up the ladder you move, the more negativity that people will throw at you. People’s thoughts and your self-perception, will not always line up. I can’t change what others think about me, and that doesn’t bother me like it used to. Jim Kwik is a well-known learning and memory expert, and once said, “Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.” Those were powerful words for me at that time, and I carry that with me today. Control what you can, and show your kid(s) that you aren’t swayed by external, negative influences.
My dad was also really good at living a simple life, governed by simple rules. Pay your bills, take care of your responsibilities, leave a place better than you found it. I have followed the same basic principles for as long as I can remember, but I also added a few rules of my own. These rules were slowly baked into my brain, and eventually became overbearing. Fortunately, I was able to reduce my rules and have landed on basically the same set that my father had. It’s kind of crazy how that works, right? Reducing my own expectations, and focusing on what makes for a good life opened up additional room for me to relax and enjoy the moments that I blocked out for so long.
Finally, let’s talk about presence. Fatherhood is a sacrificial love. The important piece of this is that you prioritize your sacrifices so that you don’t miss out on key moments in your family’s life. My prior job was based locally and I was home pretty much every night. That being said, I was not always present. This is where a lot of my refocusing time was spent; learning how to be more present with my family. Being present is not a physical thing. It’s about engaging in the events of your family, and actively participating in the moments that matter most. Active and engaged fathers have much better relationships with their spouses and children than those that are more involved in their career or co-workers. My current job requires travel. It’s not a lot, but way more than I had before. That being said, my wife will be the first to tell you that they see me more and enjoy my time more than when I was never on the road. This presence has improved our family life and created much stronger bonds with my immediate family, as well as other family and friends.
This post was a little more than typical, and maybe I was led to put this out there to make a difference in one person’s life. We get one chance at this thing, and I’m going to do whatever I can to make the best of it.
