Things We Pretend To Understand

We know more than we used to, but let’s not get carried away.

I’ve been around cheer long enough that I can hold my own in a conversation. I mean, a friend of mine and I wrote The Cheer Dads Survival Guide, so it’s fair to say that I’m probably sitting in a higher percentile than most.

Full out? Got it.

Hit zero? Absolutely.

Deduction? Unfortunately, yes.

I can watch a routine and usually tell when something’s gone wrong. I’ve developed opinions about competition venues. I know when we need to leave the hotel, where to find coffee, and roughly how long “awards are about to start” actually means. It’s been a long road and I’ve come a long way, but it’s a good place to be in. It’s kind of like that vacation spot that you go to every year, and it starts to feel “comfortable”.

All that said, and if I’m being honest, there are still certain parts of cheer where I have absolutely no idea what’s going on.

The difference is, I’ve gotten much better at pretending I do. Or maybe, I’m just better at hiding it when I don’t know. This is an important Cheer Dad skill.

So, we’ll call this the cheer dad confessional. It’s time to get a few things off my chest, and talk about the things that I’ve mastered pretending to understand.

Cheer Makeup

I know makeup exists, but that’s about where my expertise ends. It’s just always seemed like a lot of effort, and I generally prefer less of this exterior application.

Apparently there are very specific ways cheer makeup is supposed to look, and there are approximately 900 products required to achieve that look. Occasionally someone will hold up two nearly identical items and ask me which one looks better.

This is a trap and there is no correct answer, and the most appropriate response is, “Which one do you like?”. Years of experience went into developing that answer.

Another Bow?

I understand the basic purpose of a bow. It goes in the hair. What I don’t understand is how we can own, what appears to be, several hundred bows and still encounter situations where we apparently do not possess the right bow.

“But don’t you already have that one?” Don’t say this. I did once, and apparently I was looking at an entirely different bow. The differences were obvious. Just not obvious to me.

The Score Sheet

I’ve tried. I really have, and I understand things like hitting zero. Zero is good. I also know the scoring matrix and the breakdown of the 100-point format. Again, I am probably more confident with scoring than most, but this area can quickly turn into a black hole.

I generally like to throw a number out there, which is my calculated version of how our team performed. I also know that trying to guess a score is entering dangerous territory. Difficulty. Execution. Technique. Creativity. Deductions. There’s a lot that goes into this magical, numerical expression of objective and subjective interpretation.

Someone will look at the scores and say, “We lost four-tenths in stunt technique.”. I can look at the same piece of paper like someone just handed me the closing documents for a commercial real estate transaction. I mean, were the judges even watching?

Then I make the face. Every experienced Cheer Dad knows the face. It’s a slight squint, a small nod, and maybe an, “Interesting.”. This communicates that you have carefully reviewed the information and understand this master-level physics. You do not.

Hair

Cheer hair deserves its own branch of science. Prove me wrong.

There are curls, ponytails, teasing, half ups, hair spray, half downs, and more hair spray. Then another kind of spray, and maybe even some spray…glitter. Whoever invented spray glitter was a financial genius. A genius that owes me some cleaning fees and may need a smack on the back of the head, but a genius none the less.

I’ve watched the hair-styling process many times and still couldn’t recreate it if you offered me $100,000. I would, however, accept the $100,000 and give it my best shot. However, the good Lord did not grant me with this mystical skill.

I have learned that when someone asks, “Does this look even?”, you don’t immediately answer. Take a moment and study the situation. Tilt your head slightly to the left, then to the right. Narrow your eyes, and then say, “Yeah, I think so.”. 

Take some time on the inspection, as the inspection is important. This is how you establish credibility.

We Have to Be There at WHAT Time?

Performance time: 2:14 PM.

Arrival time: 9:30 AM.

I’ve stopped asking, and I suggest you do the same. There was a younger version of me who might have asked why we have to be there almost five hours early. That man is gone. I also now understand that not everyone owns an alarm clock, and some people will be late to everything in their life. Everything.

Experienced Cheer Dad simply wakes up, makes coffee, assists where appropriate, and gets in the car. This is what we call growth.

The Competition Schedule

I literally took 4 semesters of medical physics, and that was far less complicated than some competition schedules.

Warmups at 1:06.

Check-in at 12:17.

Meet coach at 11:43.

Performance at 2:11.

Awards at 6:52.

Except awards are now at 7:30.

Actually, 8:15.

They’re “running a little behind.”

It’s also about the time that they’re “running a little behind”, that the entire judge panel decides to take a break.

By 9:47 you’re sitting on the floor eating half of a pretzel wondering how you got here. And if they play the Cupid Shuffle one…more…time…I’ll do nothing, actually. I’ll complain about it and that may be the one night of the month where I actually act like I was going to get to bed on time. 

And yet somehow…we’ll do it again next weekend.

Cheer Mom Conversations

Occasionally I’ll find myself standing near a group of Cheer Moms discussing something very important. Or at least it seems to be important. I’m generally a limited liability personality. The less I know, the better. However, sometimes, you can’t help but hear what’s going on.

Uniforms, hair, practice, travel, a coach, a score, or maybe something that happened in Band or GroupMe. Karen did what?!

I have learned that there are moments when my contribution to the conversation is valuable. There are also moments when the most wise thing I can possibly do is drink my coffee and stare thoughtfully into the distance.

Knowing the difference is another advanced Cheer Dad skill.

How Everything Fits in That Backpack

We’ve covered the backpack before, but this remains one of cheer’s greatest mysteries. It is truly amazing how much stuff these abyss-like shoulder bags can truly hold.

Shoes. Makeup. Warmups. Snacks. Chargers. Hair products. My snacks. Water bottles. Personal items. Possibly camping equipment.

Everything goes in.

Then someone needs one specific thing buried somewhere near the bottom. They reach inside…and immediately find it. I could search that backpack for three business days and never locate it. I’m fairly sure I went in once for some beef jerky and found myself again on a Wednesday.

This is why I carry it. I do not operate it.

What Just Happened in That Stunt

I’ve improved here, a lot. I can recognize most stunts now. I know when something hits, and when something doesn’t.

But every once in a while, I’ll watch something happen and think, that looked awesome. Then I’ll hear, “That was really bad.”.

Oh. Right. Obviously. That was terrible. I saw that.

How I Got This Invested in Cheer

This might be the biggest mystery. At some point I went from wondering what time our daughter competes, to asking who we’re up against.

I know team names and recognize uniforms. I watch other divisions and have opinions on performances, sometimes compared to prior years.

I’ve caught myself watching cheer videos when my daughter isn’t even in them. Nobody warned me this would happen. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being a dad who had a daughter in cheer.

I became a Cheer Dad.

And here’s the thing- I still don’t understand all of it, and I probably never will.

But maybe that’s not the job. The job isn’t knowing every rule. It’s not understanding every score. It’s definitely not knowing the difference between two nearly identical bows.

The job is showing up and paying attention. Learning what you can, carrying what you’re handed, and cheering when it’s time to cheer.

And occasionally nodding thoughtfully when you have absolutely no idea what’s happening.

Because being a Cheer Dad doesn’t mean you have to understand everything. You just have to understand what matters.

And that part?

We’ve got.

— Cody
 Cheer Dad & Founder, Cheer Dads